The Flip (DARVO)
They did it, then somehow you’re apologizing.
This is a pattern of control, not an influence tactic. It’s here so you can name it and get out of it.
What it is
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Psychologist Jennifer Freyd coined the term for a common response to being held accountable. First they deny it happened. Then they attack you for raising it: your tone, your timing, your motives. Then they flip the roles, so they’re the wronged one and you’re the one who owes an apology. It can all happen in thirty seconds, and it’s hardest to see when you love the person doing it.
Why it hooks people
It’s disorienting. You end up defending yourself instead of addressing the harm that was done to you.
Spot it
- You raise an issue and leave the conversation as the “problem.”
- The topic shifts from what they did to how you asked.
- Suddenly they’re the hurt one, and you’re comforting them.
- The original question never gets an answer.
Counter it
Stick to the original issue. Don’t argue about the counter-attack. Name it calmly: “I’m not going to argue about whether I’m allowed to ask. I’m asking about the money.” Then say it again, as many times as needed.